Sittin' at home doin' nothing in particular
Watchin' TV legs crossed perpendicular
Tryin' real hard to retain my sanity
When in walks the reason I gave up on humanity
Five foot eight with a wimpy goatee
Brown hair, brown eyes, and a couple brown teeth
His voice has a pitch that could bust a glass
Got a mouth like a river and it's just as fast
Livin' with this guy has really been the pits
His mouth is so big that his nose barely fits
Ain't no peace and quiet it's a riot with this creep
'Cause he can both talk and eat in his sleep
Eatin' all my food all day all night
The Tazmanian Devil has a smaller appetite
If there's food in the house no doubt he'll grab it
Eats chicken, fish, beef, and especially rabbit
I gotta get away and he's gotta get a job
I gotta get my shoe off of his shishkebob
He's got a hole in his head that's incredibly wide
And anything can fit inside
That's why we call him The Mouth

His mouth keeps moving as his heart keeps beating
He's constantly talking, and/or eating
I avoid him when I can but I live in fear
He only inhaled three times last year
Did I mention that this guy was a royal pain
He talks with a full mouth and an empty brain
He only talks about things that he doesn't understand
Which means he can talk longer than our average life span
Talk about annoying, he'll talk about anything
Comments that he adds just adds to my suffering
Stupid little things from a stupid little man
His brain got in the way so he cut out the middle man
He keeps putting in his two cents somehow
But at this rate he should have been broke by now
When he talks up a storm it forms a damn monsoon
Then he tells me everything that happened in the bathroom
Goin' on for hours while I stand there in a daze
Tellin' me about his pimples and his potty training days
With a blatant disregard for my indifference he talks
Like a blind pitcher giving up walks
That's why we call him The Mouth

I know more about him than I know about myself
Sharing air with this guy is really bad for my health
I don't know how much longer I'll be able to survive
I've heard about every minute this idiot has been alive
Did you know when he was three he had a puppy named Joe
It would sleep at his feet, and lick between his toes
And then every morning it would wake him up
At seven-thirty on the dot, it was such a smart pup
And every year his town has a carnival or somethin'
To celebrate that miracle of nature called the pumpkin
Half a million people all come to this little town
And they all take turns picking seeds up off the ground
I sit there and I smile and I nod a little bit
And I'm thinkin' to myself, God, what an idiot
He doesn't seem to pick up from my ultra blank stare
That I just don't care
That's why we call him The Mouth

[Mouth rant]

He sits around the house watching TV and he's eating
And he's talking and the whole time I'm taking a beating
And then he complains that he's got a tired butt
I wonder how much it would cost to have his mouth wired shut
Even the dog doesn't wanna go near him
Doesn't matter where you go 'cause you're always gonna hear him
And we haven't got a clue what we could possibly do
We're both starving 'cause he ate the damn dog food too
No food in the house he ate it all last week
No silence in the house 'cause he still has all his teeth
And there ain't no escape 'cause he doesn't have a life
I really do feel very sorry for his wife
Yes he's married but it can't be that great
'Cause his wife has a house and lives in another state
At first I thought that that was weird but now I understand why
If I was married to this guy I think I'd just give up and die
For now I'm stuck with him 'cause he pays the rent
At least until he meets with a little accident
God gave us the gifts of speech and sound
And has regretted it since he's been around
That's why we call him The Mouth

[Mouth rant]